Oxymoron, or just a plain moron?

Overheard:

"Yeah, Mother Nature really stepped on her dick with that one."

Hmmm - how does that work again??

chase

You know, I don't even know where to begin. The stories need to be told in person, with the logical progression and sequence. I dont think I can write them as they need to be told. Alternatly, I don't think I should be saying a lot of that stuff out loud. It's absurd. but I love it.
Thrill of the chase. Oh, thrilling it is.
So now i'm back to trying not to think about it. I'm thinking about it on a surface level. Or not, because the next time I see him, it's all going to go horribly wrong. I'm sure of it.

Stubborn

Just because I said I would, I am.

Just because I don't feel like it, I am not.

Just because I want to, I will.

Just because I don't want to, I wont.

I'm having a stubborn day... just because I can.

empty

I'm tired... very tired. Too much on my mind to get a lot of sleep last night.

It's funny how big and empty my bed felt last night. Just me. All alone in it. Not that he stayed over very often, but I guess now that he wont be staying over again, it seemed just a little bigger.

Today my friend asked me if we had to hate him. She said she could, if I needed her too, but she actually liked him. I told her I liked him too. And no, I didn't hate him, nor did I want too.

I have new shoes on. They were on sale for 19.99, i didn't know that till I got to the cash. I did what every smart girl would do....i solved the what colour debate by buying both black and beige. I bought one more pink tshirt, one cute denim skirt, one cute tank top. Talk about retail therapy. And i'm not even showing sadness on the outside.
And to think, I thought I would stop spending money frivolously. Someday, I'll learn.

I'm done for the night.

Leaky Eyes

Tonight I have leaky eyes.

It has been a rough week. We lost a close family member. It was hard.

I was home with the children and the add-ons, and the taxi-mom schedule while my husband was bedside with his family. I was part of the blow-by-blow and the phone support, and the 'you're a nurse, what does this mean?' but I never got to say good-bye.

I wish I had.

And now that the funeral plans are made and the dust is settling I have the leaky eyes.

Tomorrow I will have to revert to being the support person. I will have to work on helping our eldest son through his first funeral or supporting him in his decision not to attend and to try not to put too much pressure on him either way. I will have to support our eldest daughter while her heart breaks as she watches her father and grandfather cry over the loss of their Uncle and Brother. I will have to distract and entertain the little children who will not understand fully why everyone is so sad, and who will be devastated when they do.

And through it all I must remember that this is not about me and my sorrow. I must find a way to put my expressions of grief aside, at least for now, and be there for those whose need is more.

But tonight I have leaky eyes.

The End

The end. I am sad. But I am happy. I think this is what releif feels like.

I never meant for it to end like this. Heck, I was just looking to have a little fun. I didn't mean for it to get this far. But I guess that's what happens when you play with people's emotions. Lesson learned... playing with fire, you're going to get burned.

All this time I thought I just wanted someone to love me. Turns out , I was wrong. Because he did love me. I don't doubt that. He loved me so much, for who I was, that he took second best me because he wanted to be with me. He claims he never saw it like that. whatever, it doesn't matter. I beg to differ.

So tonight, i had to look him in the eye and end it. Yes, I know you love me. I feel it every time you touch me, everytime you look at me and everytime you speak to me. I'm sorry, I don't love you, and I don't know if I ever could. I'm feeling trapped, I'm feeling pressured. I need space. I'm starting to lose sight of who I am. I'm starting to fade away, and i don't want to.

Friends? Can we be? I beleived you, I want to be your friend too. But right at the front door, you went for one last kiss goodbye, and that's when i realized i'm not so sure. Ironic how we had our last kiss in the same place we had our first kiss. The fireworks from the first one are gone. This one felt like goodbye.

So, thanks, it was fun. but for now, it's over -- even if you agree to change for me. I don't want you to for me. You need to do that on your own. So i'll take the blame -- I'm scared, i can't handle relationships or commitments. And all the while, I'll just keep the secret that I just knew, deep inside, that you weren't the one for me.

I think I'll just put on my little black dress and go.

For the record -- I was just looking to have some fun -- you were never supposed to love me.

The Start

There are days when I could laugh out loud and days I could scream or pound my head against a brick wall. When neither of these options work, my outlet is here.

See you soon!
Cherry Ames