Falling

I call the shots. Simple. Easy. What's not to understand?

And all of a sudden I seem to be swirling. All I'm building up you're tearing down. And you're just trying to find a place on the map of all the men I've been through. (thank you, Mr. Rob Thomas for your words).

And I wondered, I thought, okay, i'll try it. It's not a bad thing. It's okay. You'll be okay. But really, is it worth letting someone that close to you?

Do I love him? Will I love him? Am I capable of loving someone? or letting someone love me?
He told me he's falling in love with me. I think I feel the same, though I'm not stupid enough to admit it out loud.
I told him that sometimes i hate him. It's not him, it's his behavior. He smiled when I said it. Did I tell you yet today that I love you? I glared and told him to stop trying to get out of this. Does that count as him for real loving me? Maybe he loves the idea of me. He apologized, called me his girl, his best girl. I felt bad for hating him. Especially after the flowers from earlier in the evening.

But I like to be in control. And with him, I'm afraid, because I'm losing. I think they say that love is like falling, and falling, is like this.

Goodbye February

February has been a kick-@$$ month, and not in a good way. I am so glad to have it gone and to have had a couple days of springlike sunshine. Perhaps now I can climb out of this hole and get some energy back.

Paradise

What is the cure for the February blahs?

I don't know.

But I do know that a nap in the sun sure makes them recede for a bit.

So that's what I did this afternoon ... I stretched out on the couch in the sun coming in the patio door, and in total bliss (despite the -9 outside) I slept for three hours.

It was just perfect!

Now, let's see if I sleep tonight....

The Road Ahead

I've already planned our first fight. I know what you're going to say. I know how I'm going to misinterpret it. I will yell at you, and you will try to reason with me. I will slam down the phone, and unintentionally burst into tears. You will pace around confused and fuming over the hurtful things I will say. And in a few hours, I will call you to apologize and beg for forgiveness. And then you will say, in your quiet and sympathetic voice, "It's okay, honey". We will avoid each other for a few more days, and soon we will laugh about the absurdity of the situation.

I've already planned my reaction to the first time you tell me that you love me. You've already told me that you're falling in love with me, so I thought that it is best that I be prepared. You will whisper it softly. And as I rest my head on your bare chest as we fall asleep, i might pretend not to hear it. It's just because I'm scared to let myself be loved by you. I will pretend to sleep and we will both lay awake with our minds racing. You might tell me again the next day, or you might think it's best to wait some more. We won't talk about what happened, and if you bring it up, I'm going to plead ignorant.

I've already planned the first time I will surprise you. I don't know what the surprise will be, but I can picture your reaction. We will laugh together, and you will play along with my jokes and antics. You will not protest and will eagerly participate. You will wonder how we ever ended up together, and we will laugh about the excitement and the renewed energy we find in ourselves, but most importantly, in each other.

I've already planned the first time I will let my guard down in front of you. I will cry. And you will hold me. You will rest your chin on my head and occasionally kiss the top of my head. You will rub my back and tell me that you wish their was something you could do to make it better. I will thank you for being here, and we will sit in a comfortable silence.

I've already planned how we're going to break up. We will realize that there are too many differences between us. No longer will we find strength in these differences. We will have a long drawn out conversation. As usual, you will do most of the talking. I will nod in agreement, and avoid direct eye contact. You will tell me that you need to know what I'm thinking, and i will remind you that I don't even know. We will agree to take a break and move on to finding partners who are closer to our ages. I wont want to be with anyone else. Neither will you. We will agree to try to be friends, but I don't know if we can.

I've already planned falling in love with you. It's hard to plan this one, especially while it's happening. I will continue to love the way you look at me, the way you hold me, the way you argue with me, debate with me, and support me. The way you make me laugh. The wealth of trivial knowledge that you will share with me. I will continue to love the way you jokingly patronize me when we wake up in the morning. I will soon not even be afraid to use the word 'love' in your presence. Not that I'll tell you that I do, more just that i won't be afraid to admit that I love certain things about you. Right now, I can only tell you that I like them. But I do love lots of things about you. And thankfully, you're smart enough to recognize that -- even if my words are of a slightly weaker sentiment.
And one day, long down the road, I might be ready to love you. Or even to let myself be loved by you. But for now, we've got a long and bumpy road in front of us.

Definitely a Frog -- not a Prince

<>I only did it because I know he won’t call. And for the record I don’t want him to call. Because I don’t think I’d have anything to say, or if I’d even be able to look him straight in the eye. <>Sure, things worked out perfectly yesterday night. It started with a little innocent flirting. Then it progressed to innocent dancing, singing along with the band, tapping beer on the table and dancing in unison with arms around each other.

<>The problem comes next: the band starts playing their rendition of Blue Rodeo’s Lost Together. Granted that we’ve been singing, flirting and drinking together for the better part of the past hour, we’re dancing close now. Eyes locked, sharing a moment. The beer he bought me is on the table being watched by my friend. His arms are around my hips, but he knows better than to let his hands wander. One look earlier told him that was not cool. And the look I got from him in return was a look of “I’m sorry, I won’t let it happen again”. He looks me in the eye and asks if he is allowed to kiss me. I thought briefly, or didn’t, and smiled at him. He didn’t wait much more than a split second.

<>And at the end of the song, we both split. No strings. A little while later we meet up again and follow the same pattern as before. More flirting, more beer, more dancing, and yes, even a little bit more kissing.

<>The band wraps it up, the bar is closing down. I know he’s leaving town tomorrow. And that’s why I feel fine about all this. I knew this from the beginning. I always have a thing for the out –of-towners. I’ll be some story he tells his buddies. I’ll never meet his buddies. And it’s very unlikely I will ever run into him again. I hope. It happens at the bar and it stays at the bar. I’d never bring him home with me, and I’d certainly never follow him back to his hotel room.

<>He invites me to the Dome but I decline the invitation. I’ve gotta get home, and at this point, I’ve already had too much to drink. My number? Sure…. Hey, we never even really introduced ourselves. Names exchanged with a handshake. It all seems a little too formal now. I give him my number. Only because I know he won’t call.

One last kiss, one last hug, and we’re out of there. It’s been a long time since I made out with a random stranger in a bar. The thought of my peculiar behavior still makes me laugh and blush. But once in a while, a girl really does just need to have some fun. But it always stops when the band stops playing. It happens at the bar and it stays at the bar. Because at the end of the night, I always go home alone.

Can’t see the Trees for the Forest

Everything is changing
You're looking for the cure
And you feel like you're the loneliest girl in the world
Trouble in your head now
Don't know what to do
Seems like up is down and red is blue

This is one of those times when I want so much and feel so unable to reach any of it. I’ve lived my life caring for others and loved every second of it (well maybe not every second but I’ve really not had any regrets…), but now I see that I’ve never been very good at taking care of me. I’ve made many choices, but rarely were they with as much clear thought as I believed at the time.

Ooooooh, an avalanche is comin' and I do not feel prepared,
It's rumblin' like a mountain lion - I must say that I'm scared,
And if not for the witch's spell you'd hear just how I scream,
But since I'm only singin', I'll just yodel 'til we're creamed!

Every choice I want to make affects so many other people. What stands in the way of me being happier/more content is time, (I have none to devote to any life renovations) and fear (that I will fail and embarrass myself or my family), and the knowledge that in my day dreams I am always smarter and stronger than I am in real life. I want to parent better and be strong and fit and in a different career stream and cook well and have the time/money/energy for leisure and have a beautiful, clean house and and and… and the only thing truly standing in the way of any big change (or little change) is me.

She could never be rude or unkind
But a sad song played at the back of her mind
Woah-oh
Can someone show me a different day,
To take me away
Take me out of the woods
Great big world
You know I’m waiting for you
You know I’m waiting for you

Now, I love my forest. The trees are so lush and green, are growing so straight and tall – honest and proud and brave and beautiful all at once. But man, it is really hard work keeping a whole forest clean, fed, watered and on the right path. And many days the forest is so big and so overwhelming that I can’t see the trees. I know that I want to take the path to the right, but the path to the left is far clearer, better marked, needs more tending and really can’t be left alone right now. So I know that for now I must find a way to stay close to the trees and that left leaning path but still find a new way through the forest. I wish I had a Sherpa to guide me.

And when you're on the mountain, you got no guarantees
That life will turn up roses or turn out as you please.
When you're on the mountain, there's lots to be a'feared
That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared!

Be prepared, be prepared,
This lesson must be shared,
This lesson must be shared,
Be prepared!
Be prepared, be prepared,
And unless you got a spare,
You got one life, so handle it with care!

When Worlds Collide

Suicide is such a tragedy.

There is the sadness that comes with knowing that the person who died did so alone and sad - no comforting family around to ease the passage as there is when the death is from cancer or some other such disease.

There is the guilt of wondering if you should have seen it coming, or even if you saw it coming wondering what else you could/should have done to help and to stop it.

There is the grief for the young children left behind - children who were already messed up by the tragically violent and non-nurturing home life, and who now, due to circumstances surrounding the death, will blame themselves for it.

There is the anger that the family life was so bad and that so little could be done to prevent this despite very obvious signs of this impending train wreck.

There is the helplessness of knowing that a person who is sad and lonely enough to take his own life did so after a lifetime of these same feelings.

And there is the knowledge that but for the grace of God there go I.