The Road Ahead

I've already planned our first fight. I know what you're going to say. I know how I'm going to misinterpret it. I will yell at you, and you will try to reason with me. I will slam down the phone, and unintentionally burst into tears. You will pace around confused and fuming over the hurtful things I will say. And in a few hours, I will call you to apologize and beg for forgiveness. And then you will say, in your quiet and sympathetic voice, "It's okay, honey". We will avoid each other for a few more days, and soon we will laugh about the absurdity of the situation.

I've already planned my reaction to the first time you tell me that you love me. You've already told me that you're falling in love with me, so I thought that it is best that I be prepared. You will whisper it softly. And as I rest my head on your bare chest as we fall asleep, i might pretend not to hear it. It's just because I'm scared to let myself be loved by you. I will pretend to sleep and we will both lay awake with our minds racing. You might tell me again the next day, or you might think it's best to wait some more. We won't talk about what happened, and if you bring it up, I'm going to plead ignorant.

I've already planned the first time I will surprise you. I don't know what the surprise will be, but I can picture your reaction. We will laugh together, and you will play along with my jokes and antics. You will not protest and will eagerly participate. You will wonder how we ever ended up together, and we will laugh about the excitement and the renewed energy we find in ourselves, but most importantly, in each other.

I've already planned the first time I will let my guard down in front of you. I will cry. And you will hold me. You will rest your chin on my head and occasionally kiss the top of my head. You will rub my back and tell me that you wish their was something you could do to make it better. I will thank you for being here, and we will sit in a comfortable silence.

I've already planned how we're going to break up. We will realize that there are too many differences between us. No longer will we find strength in these differences. We will have a long drawn out conversation. As usual, you will do most of the talking. I will nod in agreement, and avoid direct eye contact. You will tell me that you need to know what I'm thinking, and i will remind you that I don't even know. We will agree to take a break and move on to finding partners who are closer to our ages. I wont want to be with anyone else. Neither will you. We will agree to try to be friends, but I don't know if we can.

I've already planned falling in love with you. It's hard to plan this one, especially while it's happening. I will continue to love the way you look at me, the way you hold me, the way you argue with me, debate with me, and support me. The way you make me laugh. The wealth of trivial knowledge that you will share with me. I will continue to love the way you jokingly patronize me when we wake up in the morning. I will soon not even be afraid to use the word 'love' in your presence. Not that I'll tell you that I do, more just that i won't be afraid to admit that I love certain things about you. Right now, I can only tell you that I like them. But I do love lots of things about you. And thankfully, you're smart enough to recognize that -- even if my words are of a slightly weaker sentiment.
And one day, long down the road, I might be ready to love you. Or even to let myself be loved by you. But for now, we've got a long and bumpy road in front of us.