Can’t see the Trees for the Forest

Everything is changing
You're looking for the cure
And you feel like you're the loneliest girl in the world
Trouble in your head now
Don't know what to do
Seems like up is down and red is blue

This is one of those times when I want so much and feel so unable to reach any of it. I’ve lived my life caring for others and loved every second of it (well maybe not every second but I’ve really not had any regrets…), but now I see that I’ve never been very good at taking care of me. I’ve made many choices, but rarely were they with as much clear thought as I believed at the time.

Ooooooh, an avalanche is comin' and I do not feel prepared,
It's rumblin' like a mountain lion - I must say that I'm scared,
And if not for the witch's spell you'd hear just how I scream,
But since I'm only singin', I'll just yodel 'til we're creamed!

Every choice I want to make affects so many other people. What stands in the way of me being happier/more content is time, (I have none to devote to any life renovations) and fear (that I will fail and embarrass myself or my family), and the knowledge that in my day dreams I am always smarter and stronger than I am in real life. I want to parent better and be strong and fit and in a different career stream and cook well and have the time/money/energy for leisure and have a beautiful, clean house and and and… and the only thing truly standing in the way of any big change (or little change) is me.

She could never be rude or unkind
But a sad song played at the back of her mind
Woah-oh
Can someone show me a different day,
To take me away
Take me out of the woods
Great big world
You know I’m waiting for you
You know I’m waiting for you

Now, I love my forest. The trees are so lush and green, are growing so straight and tall – honest and proud and brave and beautiful all at once. But man, it is really hard work keeping a whole forest clean, fed, watered and on the right path. And many days the forest is so big and so overwhelming that I can’t see the trees. I know that I want to take the path to the right, but the path to the left is far clearer, better marked, needs more tending and really can’t be left alone right now. So I know that for now I must find a way to stay close to the trees and that left leaning path but still find a new way through the forest. I wish I had a Sherpa to guide me.

And when you're on the mountain, you got no guarantees
That life will turn up roses or turn out as you please.
When you're on the mountain, there's lots to be a'feared
That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared!

Be prepared, be prepared,
This lesson must be shared,
This lesson must be shared,
Be prepared!
Be prepared, be prepared,
And unless you got a spare,
You got one life, so handle it with care!