Definitely a Frog -- not a Prince

<>I only did it because I know he won’t call. And for the record I don’t want him to call. Because I don’t think I’d have anything to say, or if I’d even be able to look him straight in the eye. <>Sure, things worked out perfectly yesterday night. It started with a little innocent flirting. Then it progressed to innocent dancing, singing along with the band, tapping beer on the table and dancing in unison with arms around each other.

<>The problem comes next: the band starts playing their rendition of Blue Rodeo’s Lost Together. Granted that we’ve been singing, flirting and drinking together for the better part of the past hour, we’re dancing close now. Eyes locked, sharing a moment. The beer he bought me is on the table being watched by my friend. His arms are around my hips, but he knows better than to let his hands wander. One look earlier told him that was not cool. And the look I got from him in return was a look of “I’m sorry, I won’t let it happen again”. He looks me in the eye and asks if he is allowed to kiss me. I thought briefly, or didn’t, and smiled at him. He didn’t wait much more than a split second.

<>And at the end of the song, we both split. No strings. A little while later we meet up again and follow the same pattern as before. More flirting, more beer, more dancing, and yes, even a little bit more kissing.

<>The band wraps it up, the bar is closing down. I know he’s leaving town tomorrow. And that’s why I feel fine about all this. I knew this from the beginning. I always have a thing for the out –of-towners. I’ll be some story he tells his buddies. I’ll never meet his buddies. And it’s very unlikely I will ever run into him again. I hope. It happens at the bar and it stays at the bar. I’d never bring him home with me, and I’d certainly never follow him back to his hotel room.

<>He invites me to the Dome but I decline the invitation. I’ve gotta get home, and at this point, I’ve already had too much to drink. My number? Sure…. Hey, we never even really introduced ourselves. Names exchanged with a handshake. It all seems a little too formal now. I give him my number. Only because I know he won’t call.

One last kiss, one last hug, and we’re out of there. It’s been a long time since I made out with a random stranger in a bar. The thought of my peculiar behavior still makes me laugh and blush. But once in a while, a girl really does just need to have some fun. But it always stops when the band stops playing. It happens at the bar and it stays at the bar. Because at the end of the night, I always go home alone.

Can’t see the Trees for the Forest

Everything is changing
You're looking for the cure
And you feel like you're the loneliest girl in the world
Trouble in your head now
Don't know what to do
Seems like up is down and red is blue

This is one of those times when I want so much and feel so unable to reach any of it. I’ve lived my life caring for others and loved every second of it (well maybe not every second but I’ve really not had any regrets…), but now I see that I’ve never been very good at taking care of me. I’ve made many choices, but rarely were they with as much clear thought as I believed at the time.

Ooooooh, an avalanche is comin' and I do not feel prepared,
It's rumblin' like a mountain lion - I must say that I'm scared,
And if not for the witch's spell you'd hear just how I scream,
But since I'm only singin', I'll just yodel 'til we're creamed!

Every choice I want to make affects so many other people. What stands in the way of me being happier/more content is time, (I have none to devote to any life renovations) and fear (that I will fail and embarrass myself or my family), and the knowledge that in my day dreams I am always smarter and stronger than I am in real life. I want to parent better and be strong and fit and in a different career stream and cook well and have the time/money/energy for leisure and have a beautiful, clean house and and and… and the only thing truly standing in the way of any big change (or little change) is me.

She could never be rude or unkind
But a sad song played at the back of her mind
Woah-oh
Can someone show me a different day,
To take me away
Take me out of the woods
Great big world
You know I’m waiting for you
You know I’m waiting for you

Now, I love my forest. The trees are so lush and green, are growing so straight and tall – honest and proud and brave and beautiful all at once. But man, it is really hard work keeping a whole forest clean, fed, watered and on the right path. And many days the forest is so big and so overwhelming that I can’t see the trees. I know that I want to take the path to the right, but the path to the left is far clearer, better marked, needs more tending and really can’t be left alone right now. So I know that for now I must find a way to stay close to the trees and that left leaning path but still find a new way through the forest. I wish I had a Sherpa to guide me.

And when you're on the mountain, you got no guarantees
That life will turn up roses or turn out as you please.
When you're on the mountain, there's lots to be a'feared
That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared!

Be prepared, be prepared,
This lesson must be shared,
This lesson must be shared,
Be prepared!
Be prepared, be prepared,
And unless you got a spare,
You got one life, so handle it with care!

When Worlds Collide

Suicide is such a tragedy.

There is the sadness that comes with knowing that the person who died did so alone and sad - no comforting family around to ease the passage as there is when the death is from cancer or some other such disease.

There is the guilt of wondering if you should have seen it coming, or even if you saw it coming wondering what else you could/should have done to help and to stop it.

There is the grief for the young children left behind - children who were already messed up by the tragically violent and non-nurturing home life, and who now, due to circumstances surrounding the death, will blame themselves for it.

There is the anger that the family life was so bad and that so little could be done to prevent this despite very obvious signs of this impending train wreck.

There is the helplessness of knowing that a person who is sad and lonely enough to take his own life did so after a lifetime of these same feelings.

And there is the knowledge that but for the grace of God there go I.